Adventure Cycling Association

How do I deal with a super-negative or annoying rider on my tour? I want to be a supportive cycling partner, but sometimes I don’t even know where to start.

Dear Can’t We All Just Be Happy,

Having recently returned from leading the 41-day Pacific Coast Epic tour, I’m delighted to report that some groups get along swimmingly. When you finish a tour like that, you find yourself wishing you had more days on the road together. These fine folks were positive, thoughtful, and flexible, and they were always looking out for each other. So, while I’m riding this post-tour high, please forgive me for thinking that, from here on out, all bike tours will forever match this one. Mic drop. Okay, okay. I’ll come back to reality and recognize that, because we’re all human, my recent experience isn’t universal and your question is worth exploring.

With any group of 12 to 15 people, the typical headcount for Adventure Cycling’s small group tours, it’s unlikely that we’re all going to get along, all of the time. Even with a shared passion, such as bike travel, each person brings years of life experiences, not to mention their unique personality, to this shared endeavor. Everything might seem hunky dory at the Day 1 orientation meeting. Throw in some challenging days or subpar campgrounds, however, and the tour can seemingly go south really quickly for some. And they usually want to let you know about it.

One strategy for dealing with this negativity is to assume it will pass and keep on being your positive, glass-half-full self. Everyone has bad days, even on a bike tour, and this rider may feel better after some tailwinds or a decent night’s sleep. They may also need time to adjust to the rhythms of touring, and your “keep on pedaling” attitude may be the perfect example for them to observe and adopt. Problem solved.

So you’ve ignored the negativity and deployed positivity, but neither strategy has worked. It might be time to dig in a little and see if you can understand where this person is coming from. Start by asking, “So, of all the bike tours out there, what made you choose this one?” Understanding their “why” won’t only help you engage with them, but getting this person to articulate their motivations might also help them realize, Oh yeah, I did sign up for this. You might even get an answer that is so far off from your own motivations that you never would have guessed.

You might also discover that their negativity is coming from a place of unmet expectations. If this is the case, is there anything that can be changed? Maybe this person was hoping for a good cup of coffee each morning and the coffee press has a crack in it. Or they thought they would have WiFi to upload photos to their blog each evening and you haven’t had service in two days. These are just a couple of examples that may or may not be fixable, but at least you’ll get a sense of where their negativity is stemming from. Another thing that you might discover, once you dig in, is that this vocal negativity is just their way of dealing with any kind of challenge. To test this theory, ask them about their favorite bike tour in the past. If they tell you it was their favorite — but they also make sure to point out that the campsites were crappy and the food was terrible — that’s likely the case. So even though they are complaining now, they may reminisce about this trip fondly in the future. It’s tough, but is there a way that you can allow them their feelings, and the expression of them, without letting it impact you in an adverse way?

At this point, it probably doesn’t even hurt to say, “You know, I can’t tell if you’re having a good time or not. For me, this tour has been challenging, but I love what we’ve already accomplished. How are you feeling?” See where that opening leads.

Unless you’re the only positive person in this whole tour group, it’s perfectly reasonable to share the load when it comes to supporting (or just tolerating) Negative Ned. Maybe it’s another person’s turn to sit next to them at dinner or to be their tent neighbor for the night. Even if it isn’t easy at first, continue to enjoy the experience that you are having, and hopefully others can do the same. While it wouldn’t be the first resolution to jump to, allow this person the space to tap out and leave the tour if they see fit. If they have run out of fun, or didn’t have any to begin with, they don’t have to continue just for the sake of finishing, and you don’t have to feel obligated to try and keep them there.

Finding someone annoying is a bit more subjective. We all have our quirks, and even when we don’t click with someone right away, it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth getting to know them. For this I’d say take a deep breath and remember that you only have a certain amount of time with this person. If all else fails, you’ll at least end up with some interesting stories from the experience. Think of it as the Type 2 fun of interpersonal relationships.

The great thing about a bike tour is that, even though you’re headed down the road as a touring family, there is plenty of opportunity to do your own thing or spend your time with the people you do click with. It shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings to hear that you prefer to ride by yourself or that you like to have a little downtime when you get to camp. While you’re not “fixing” this person’s negativity, you’re continuing to have the trip that you want. Hopefully, in continuing to have as much fun as humanly possible, your enthusiasm will be contagious.

Wishing you sunny skies and sunny dispositions!